Seeing more

I have had a hard few months. After I had Anna and was on bed rest for three months, I knew I needed more time before I had another child. I know I am going to have more children. However, I didn't want to have them so close together for my body and sanity. I decided at my 2 month check to get an IUD Mirena put in. Thinking that for the next few years I wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant before I was ready.

At first it was great. I was worried because in the past I have had issues with depression after giving birth. This time I didn't. I had mood swingers but nothing bad. After having it it for seven months I started gaining wight, getting more moody and having a bad outlook on myself and others. After having it in for ten months and gaining 15 pounds, I decided it was time to have it taken out. I lost ten pounds in the first week it was out, and my out look is much better.

I know I am to have more children because I have seen them. One little boy follows me around the house and I see him now and then. The other night I was counting my kids to make sure they were all here and felt like someone was missing. I want to have this sweet little boy, but I am not ready to be on bed rest again because my body can't do it. I want to be smart and bring him here with love . So I will wait a bit longer and start trying when my body is better prepared for the birth of another child.

When it rains.....

Last week I watched 2 of my nephews, while there parents went away for a few days. They did great. I can't remember one fight in the four days they were here. On the third day they were here I decided to walk to the store and pay rent with all seven of the kids. 

We started the .75 mile walk in high spirits havering fun and making jokes. When we got to the busy part of the walk I had them walk in "marching order", from oldest to youngest. The order was 10, 10, 8, 6, 6, 3, and 1 years old. I had the 3 and 1 year olds in a double stroller.

In front of the store we stopped to drink some water that I had brought with us. We stood under trees and talked for a few minutes. I asked the kids to get in "marching order" when something hit my arm. I thought one of the kids had thrown something on me. Upon closer inspection I found a bird had left its mark. 

We hurried into the store so I could wash my arm off. After drying my arm off we went through the store getting a few things we needed for dinner. The kids did GREAT. When we checked out I withdrew the money needed for rent and left the store.

We walked a block and a half to the company that owns our house to pay rent. I left all the kids outside and went in to pay. The lady at the counter was nice and helpful. I had 2 dollars over what the rent was and thought it wouldn't be a problem... Boy was I wrong.

The lady told me that she couldn't get into the cash box and that I needed to change the money to finish paying my rent. I went to the store next to it and asked if they could change a $20. He boy at 
   the counter said he was out of ones and his dad had gone to the bank and would be back in a few
 minutes with some. 

I wated outside with the kids for 20 minutes and he hadn't returned, so I went to the stores around the corner and tried them. No one had change. I then crossed the street to a bank and asked if they could change a $20. To my amazement she told me I had to have an account to do that.

As I was leaving she said she was sorry, I not feeling so nice replayed that every one was. Not a moment I a proud of and would change if I could. I was near tears as I crossed the street. It was hot and we had been walking or outside for over two hours.

I went in to the building to pay rent one last time. I told her I had tried five places and no one could change the money, and to just take the money, I didn't care about the two dollars. I just wanted to be done with it. She took the money and we were on our way again.

We were headed to the school by we're we live to have lunch, they have a free summer lunch program for kids. We made it about half way there when I found Seth only had one shoe. We had bought the shoes a week earlier and I was not about to have to get new ones.

I sent all the kids but those in the stroller to the school while I turned around to look for the shoe. We tried every place on the way back through that I could think of with no shoe. I decided we better meet  with the kids at the school and started there when a gar ray bag broke. I started to tear up. Then sucked it up and walked as fast as I could to the school to get the kids.

They were amazing. They had eaten and were playing outside. I gathered them together and we headed for home. We made it back home just over three hours latter. I put Anna to bed and went back for Seth, who was asleep and found the shoe under him.










I said a prayer of thanks. How could I not when all the kids were safe and the shoe was found, rent was payed. 

Th

Change is hard

My Grandma has had the same T.V. since before I was born. It has the T.V. in a wood box that sits on the floor. The picture has become increasingly distorted. Over time the people's heads have gotten bigger as the body and legs get smaller. On adds that want you to call a number, you can't read it because it is so small. She thought that it was fine and would be with her until she was gone.

Derrick and I received a T.V. That was nicer than the one we had from some dear friends. So, we decided to give the old one to grandma for Christmas. We brought it in thinking we did a good job, and that she would love it.

She was set on keeping her old T.V. Saying that nothing was wrong with it. We didn't have a place to put the new one, so we put it in the back bedroom. Hoping that the next time we came she would see she needed it.

Four month past and we came to visit. Nothing had changed. If anything she was more determined to keep the old T.V. We still didn't have a place to put it, so we let it go. 

Anew weeks later I found the perfect stand to put it on, and it was free. What could be better. We came up to grandma's today and knew that if we were going to change the T.V.s around it would have to be when she wasn't here to complain about wanting the one that was broken. 

We happened to get home earlier than her from putting flours on graves in a near by graveyard. Derrick and I moved fast. The old T.V. was anything but light, so I had Derrick back the van to the door so that we wouldn't have to walk across the yard. We were able to get the new T.V. set up and ready to go.

My mom was in the car with my grandma when they got home and said that my grandma was afraid she was robbed because of the makes in the grass. My mom then told her that she thought that Derrick and I might have moved the T.V. witch was a good thing. 

The first thing that she said was that the people looked so much better. I couldn't believe it. She later said that the color was better and that you don't know how bad it is until you see the change.

I am realizing that I do the same thing. I hang on to so many things thinking that I need it because I am used to it and don't know anything better. I need to let go more. My Father in Heaven knows that I could see the picture better if I changed and was willing to move forward. I need to go to the forward in change, knowing that I will be able to see the picture better.

  

It has been a while

So, I have had a bit going on lately. 

I have been preparing for the upcoming Farmers Market with my husband. He is going to sell a game he created and chain mail bracelets, while I am going to sell homemade lotion, foot scrub, toothpaste, and solid perfume in lockets. I made them all and used essential oils in  them. I had to find out about FDA regulations and figure out labels. I also help Derrick with the marketing of his game and marketing of bags to put them in. There was a lot of research that went into this...and money. Here is hoping it all works out. I will keep you posted.

Seth has also been potty training. We have a clock that chimes every half hour so that is when we started to take him. He only tells us a tenth of the time when he has to go, but that is better then whet he was doing before. 

I have started thinking about my  ideas  towards my kids and how it needs to change. I have five of the most amazing kids ever to be born. They all play well with each other and for the most part do not fight. If I were to be honest the main time the fight is when I am already upset over something that has nothing to do with them.so I am going to stop yelling, aka, my favorite sin. You know, the one you want to hold on to to help you feel safe. I will stop. My kids do not need the memories of me heeling at them. I don't what that to be what is there. So I will quit.

 

I use yelling to protect myself...from a two year old...yep a child who is learning about the world around them. A child who learns from me that yelling and making others feel small is the right thing. I have suffered from depression and have used it as a crutch, saying that it is ok to yell because I am depressed. What am I thinking. It is never ok to make anyone feel small because you need to feel in control. Don't you think if I started ushering control I would start feeling it. 

I will let you know how it is going.

Oh, the diet has stopped. I am eating,working out , and taking care of me for me. I can only do my best and not get down when that isn't were I want it to be. I can only do what I can do and that is enough..

Keep trying

If is hard to feel like doing much when your head hurts. I have to remember constantly that my head hurts and that the kids don't know. That being short with them isn't going to help anything. I am not perfect. I want to be better and do better.

I suffer from depression and I am opting not to take prescription medication. I am resizing blessings, going to the temple, reading scriptures and listening to good uplifting music. I am eating better and exercising more. It all helps, but I have to work at it every day. I have to know that the second I start feeling down it can lead to weeks of depression. I have to stay happy, or at lest try to. I am doing better and know that one day I will be healed.

I did it

I went and did yoga for an hour yesterday. I didn't think standing still would be so hard. My body aches. But I feel like I am standing starter, so I guess it worked. I feel better for having done it.

I have been so tiered lately, I took a three hour nap two days last week and wish I could have a few more times. I am not sure why I am so sleepy, but hope it stops soon.

Give it to Him

In church today we were talking about fear, mainly with family. Will my kids stay true to what they are thought, or will they stray? After many others thoughts had been voiced I felt strongly that I needed to say this....

When we fear it leads to more fear. When we love it leads to more love. If we have fear we need to call upon our savior to lift our burden. We have to let Him take these things, it is part of the atonement and the only way to move forward. He loves us. He wants to help us to be all that we can, without fear. Fear is real. It is a scary world, but with love and faith we can overcome.

Birthday girl

Meghan is 6! She woke up this morning and thought that we would make her breakfast in bed( I never have SOS didn't think about it). So, when she woke up and we didn't have food for her she feel apart and said that your birthday is suppose to go the way you want it and be the best day. I was consoling her and Derrick run upstairs to help the boys get her some food on a tray. Nothing fancy, but in bed. It did the trick. All way well in the kingdom. I think the day went well. We took an outing as a family to the mall to get a few things that we needed and made a stop at Costco and had lunch there. We even let the kids pay.

The most important thing about birthdays is feeling like every thing is for you, even when it isn't. So on your birthday be forgiving of others that can't read your mind and try to stay happy!

Not this time

Sooo I have yet to work out. No, I didn't forget. I have been going a little mad with everyone being sick. I have started to do better with my sugar intake and it is helping. Tomorrow is Meghan's birthday, is is turning 6. She is so much like me that I have a hard time. We think so much a like and through the same kid of fits. Derrick often Says that he can see why I do some of the things I do. As I try to understand her better, I understand myself better.

Brake down

I had a complete brake down last night.i struggle after about 4 I don't keep calm, I lash out and yell at my sweet kids. I have been doing this for around three years and am more afraid it has become habit. Not one I want to keep. I need to do better, I need to be better. I do not want to be the yelling mom, I don't want that to be how my kids remember me. I will change. Starting today. No more yelling!

A day at a time

So, I received a blessing from Derrick last nigh and was told I would be healed. I am always amazed at my father in heavens love for me. I am feeling much better today.not well enough to want to work out, so I will start Monday. I have decided to take every thing a day at a time. I will make plans and try to do things, but I don't want to feel pressure to do all these things that don't really matter. I was given a blessing once where I was told to do the mundane things. The route thing that we think do not matter. I have found that those things end up mattering the most. So I will make the most of them.

The ways of a two year old

Today I have had a sinus infection, meaning the house was free rain. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, never able to keep up. My sweet Seth wants to help sooo much, but he isn't able. He desired he wanted to paint and spilt about three tablespoons of brown paint all over the rug on our floor. Luckily it is an old rug that we do not care about, and it missed the carpet. We're was I you ask, in the kitchen less than ten feet away. He was with Sean and Meghan, you would think they would notice sooner, but no. Later when getting ready for bed, Patrick came up to tell us there was a mess that he couldn't clean up downstairs....Seth sticks again. This time he dumped a bottle of hand soup on the floor outside my room, more than five feet from the bathroom, not sure way outside my door, but there none the less.
Here's hoping tom arrow I can keep up!

Making Me

I have been struggling for some time to define who I am.... I know I am a wife and a mother...I know I am a daughter of God... But at the end of the day when I have five minutes of peace, who am I. 
I think "oh, this is the time to get all of the things done that I haven't( to be honest they haven't been done because I plain don't what to do them, I think they will magically happen without my help) I find myself watching shows to "get away", but that is what I have been doing the whole time. I avoid doing things all day and then tell myself that I have earned "me time" . Who am I kidding, not myself, I sit and consume ice cream or chocolates because I have "earned them". I know that this makes me feel fat, lonely, and detached, yet I continue to do it.... Well I have had enough of me. I am not going to treat myself to death. 
So, on reflection I have decided to start working out, 3 days for one hour and 2 days for thirty minutes. Now, although I would love to lose weight I am not doing it for that. I am doing it for me, because I have more e energy and feel better when I do. I stop making excuses, and become the me I want to be. So when I sit down at night and want to take time for me, I know I have earned it by doing all I can though out the day to take care of me and my family by fulfilling my responsibilities 

I also will start lowering my sugar intake and limiting sweets.  I took a sugar fast after I had Anna. I did it for a month and found that I didn't have mood swings and I lost 10 lb. when I did it I said I could have honey, agave, cane juice, and cane sugar. I had cravings but found other things to supplement with. I am going to have sugar this time, but only if I put it in...nothing processed. I have a need to reground myself. To be nice to myself and love myself. So, here goes. I will tell you how it is going once a week or so.