Yes that is right... we don't know why

I have had such an amazing time this last little bit. The pathways that I am supposed to take. Unfortunately I don't know how to get there. I feel like the Brother of Jared. You know how he has to come up with how to make the light in the boats work? I feel like I am finding my lights. I don't know how things will work out. But I KNOW that they will

I haven't the time...

I find more and more days go by and I haven't read an e-mail or looked at facebook, or wrote on my blog. That also means I don't make the time to sew, do crafts, or read, I will admit I read more than anything else. I find that the more time I have the less I get done.

I have friends who are always late, you have to tell them that the event is 10-20 min. early for them to show up 30 min. lat. I have others who are 5-10 min. early and always willing to lend a hand in preparations. Where do I fit...Some where in the middle.

I hate being late. I hate having every one look at you because you walk into church after the sacrament, This could be salved by not sitting in the front row every week...but them what would keep Hansom awake:). I don't like waiting for others who don't think off all they need to do and don't have time because they started to late to do all they wanted to.

I am a planer I know that when we have some where to go it will take us so long to get there and give 5 extra min. so we can walk in right on time. I know how long it takes the kids and I to get ready and what order to get ready it. I know how long dinner will take and 9 times out of 20, I said that to be funny, I have dinner on the table at 5.

I get anxious when we ...I run late or when I am behind. I start to go into super mode, you know the one where you move slow and everything rushes by...well maybe not rush, but it still moves faster than you can go no matter how fast you go. I start thinking faster, witch means I leave things out of what I am saying and have to repeat myself so many times that if I would have said it right then I would have saved 5 min. I don't like it.

onther thing, if you aren't going to be on time...call.You have a phone, if you don't sorry, use it. I worry when I know someone is supposed to be where i am and they aren't. I mean worry...I can't do much else because I know you are supposed to be with me. So call and let me know.

Sorry...I think I needed to vent.

Mooddle is 2!!!

The LORD is MY light!!!

I have had so many times when I feel that nothing around me is real. I fight myself just to breath. Depression is a part of everyday life. As I have wandered no knowing what I am doing Not knowing that I am ENOUGH. That I AM a daughter of GOD. He loves me. Yes I know this.

He has quited my soul and brought peace to my heart. The advisory is not happy with me. I am choosing the better part. I will say that it is not easy. Prayer, my constant companion, is what gives me strength.

Hansom looks at me crying...for what I don't know . Falling ever faster into a spot were he doesn't know me. With his gentle voice he calmly waits by my side. Ever watchful, waiting for the moment that he can tell me that I am worth it. I know somewhere far from this lack of understanding that he is right. I am of worth. I am GOOD. I am real. I am worth the worry and sadness, the joy and gladness. I am worth havening the things I want. I am worth being a friend, mother, wife, Lover.

I am worth the death of a brother. Jesus is his name . He did, many years ago. I have had to get know him be study and prayer. He is there. He looks on me as worried as hansom. Wondering if I will let his healing love in.

In the corner of the room laughing is my other brother. One I know all to well. The one that tells me I am never going to be good enough, that i am not ok or lovable. He sits knowing I am struggling, laughing at my feeble attempts to feel. Feel any thing.

But My elder brother doesn't know that when the light of the lord is in you, you are as powerful as he is. You have the power to command him to leave. You are in control. And I might add worth it.

God is real . I feel his love everyday. In the small moments of quit reflexion I can know he is there. That he wants me to be so much more than I see. That with him I am never alone. I am His. He made me . every detail of my body he made. What I think are flaws he sees as glory.

I can never see what there is in me that is different. I know that I am different. People look at me differently than they do at others. My light will shine. I will be one who stands out. I will be different. It is one of the things I do well. I don't have to think about doing things like every one else. I dress for me and as some might say very eclecticly. I have no rhyme nor reason to the pattern of my style. I want others to see that I am different. That I know something that they don't, the love of god.

Peom by ME

Rose On Water
Clear as crystal
Smooth as glass,
Reflecting all
That happen to pass.
The pond is small
And fills the land,
A rose falls
From his hand.
It was a hope
Of love for her,
Rose on water
Like a mirror.
The one for which
his head wont clear,
The only one
He wants near.
The rose send ripples
As it falls,
Silently her name
He calls.
With out her
Life seams bleak,
Rose on water
Starts to sink.

Tooth for $15.00

PaPa has been battling his tooth for weeks. After a few bites of a sandwich , it was time to give it a yank. PaPa has decided that he will get $15 from the tooth fairy...that is dreaming even if your rich.

Doldrums

I find myself drifting, with no way to change course.

I have the tools to change.

I have the knowledge to do things differently.

Yet here i am...unmoving.

I sit and think of all I can do, some times I even do it. I made a sling bag and shawl on friday and went around on Saturday looking for something to do.

I have my house in order. I take time for me. My kids have time to do tings with Hansom, and me.

Yet I am left unsatisfied. I feel there is more for me to do, so I go and go. I clean up after every mess spend less that 10 min. cleaning a day, because that is all it takes.

Maybe things will change soon. Hansom is starting work tomorrow. He hasn't worked for over 6 months. He did his student teaching then has been home all day every day for the last 2 and 1/2 months. We had time to do many things that we wouldn't otherwise had the time to do, but now that things are in order and I can keep them there I need space. I don't know how to get it.

I took Hansoms Grandma shopping on Saturday I was gone for 2 1/2 hours and when I came back I felt like I had been gone all day and things feel apart and I took to long and Hansom had other things he needed to do.

I think that I am always getting in the way of myself. I think that my second thought is better than my first and run into trouble second guessing myself all the time.

Yet another thing to overcome...

TEETH

After having sinus surgery and TMJ, and massive headaches, I thought I had all that could happen, but NO... Last night while flossing, witch I don't normally do, I found a piece of filling , yes that is right I have no chose but to go to the dentist. I don't really mind but we don't have dental insurance, so I called around and was able to find low income dental. I called and they said they couldn't see me until Friday. I told her my sad story and I was able to be seen today. I am grateful for the kindness of others and their willingness to serve. The clinic a volunteer one, so in all honesty I am lucky to be seen at all. hansom sometimes teases me that with out me no doctor would ever make money.

looking back

Hansom and I are going though our entire two bedroom apt. together, yes that is right I said together. I have had to talk about way I want to keep things that I have been hanging on to for years and found that a lot of things are nice to have, but when you live in a two bedroom house with three kids, it gets crowded fast. I have learned a lot about organizing. we have put everything back toget her so we both know were to find things. No more searching the house for a pen. I have loved having this time with my husband. I haven't always had time to spend with him. Even though we wish he was able to work now, it has been a great blessing to have him home. I have had a lot of health issues of late, and a lot of them have regarded Hansom to be by my side or to take care of the kids. I have seen our family grow into some thing I hope it would be. A lot of the things that we have said we would do, we are because we have time. I am learning German. Hanson is an amazing teacher and I feel so good knowing that he has faith in me and takes the time to tech me.

On line...at last!!!

We are on line again. we decided that it was something we needed after all.

The end has come, agian.

No, not the end of the year. My time with my family. We are going home tomorrow, I never feel like I have had enough time. Two weeks are never enough. I did something I wanted to with family or friends for every day, and still I am trying to fit more in. Staying up until all hours of the night is not the way to do it. I need to find a better solution. If any of y'all have any ideas let me know. I am almost to the piont that I need a vacation from my vvacation. Don't get me wrong, I have loved being here and seeing everyone. I just have to find a better way.