Seeing more

I have had a hard few months. After I had Anna and was on bed rest for three months, I knew I needed more time before I had another child. I know I am going to have more children. However, I didn't want to have them so close together for my body and sanity. I decided at my 2 month check to get an IUD Mirena put in. Thinking that for the next few years I wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant before I was ready.

At first it was great. I was worried because in the past I have had issues with depression after giving birth. This time I didn't. I had mood swingers but nothing bad. After having it it for seven months I started gaining wight, getting more moody and having a bad outlook on myself and others. After having it in for ten months and gaining 15 pounds, I decided it was time to have it taken out. I lost ten pounds in the first week it was out, and my out look is much better.

I know I am to have more children because I have seen them. One little boy follows me around the house and I see him now and then. The other night I was counting my kids to make sure they were all here and felt like someone was missing. I want to have this sweet little boy, but I am not ready to be on bed rest again because my body can't do it. I want to be smart and bring him here with love . So I will wait a bit longer and start trying when my body is better prepared for the birth of another child.

When it rains.....

Last week I watched 2 of my nephews, while there parents went away for a few days. They did great. I can't remember one fight in the four days they were here. On the third day they were here I decided to walk to the store and pay rent with all seven of the kids. 

We started the .75 mile walk in high spirits havering fun and making jokes. When we got to the busy part of the walk I had them walk in "marching order", from oldest to youngest. The order was 10, 10, 8, 6, 6, 3, and 1 years old. I had the 3 and 1 year olds in a double stroller.

In front of the store we stopped to drink some water that I had brought with us. We stood under trees and talked for a few minutes. I asked the kids to get in "marching order" when something hit my arm. I thought one of the kids had thrown something on me. Upon closer inspection I found a bird had left its mark. 

We hurried into the store so I could wash my arm off. After drying my arm off we went through the store getting a few things we needed for dinner. The kids did GREAT. When we checked out I withdrew the money needed for rent and left the store.

We walked a block and a half to the company that owns our house to pay rent. I left all the kids outside and went in to pay. The lady at the counter was nice and helpful. I had 2 dollars over what the rent was and thought it wouldn't be a problem... Boy was I wrong.

The lady told me that she couldn't get into the cash box and that I needed to change the money to finish paying my rent. I went to the store next to it and asked if they could change a $20. He boy at 
   the counter said he was out of ones and his dad had gone to the bank and would be back in a few
 minutes with some. 

I wated outside with the kids for 20 minutes and he hadn't returned, so I went to the stores around the corner and tried them. No one had change. I then crossed the street to a bank and asked if they could change a $20. To my amazement she told me I had to have an account to do that.

As I was leaving she said she was sorry, I not feeling so nice replayed that every one was. Not a moment I a proud of and would change if I could. I was near tears as I crossed the street. It was hot and we had been walking or outside for over two hours.

I went in to the building to pay rent one last time. I told her I had tried five places and no one could change the money, and to just take the money, I didn't care about the two dollars. I just wanted to be done with it. She took the money and we were on our way again.

We were headed to the school by we're we live to have lunch, they have a free summer lunch program for kids. We made it about half way there when I found Seth only had one shoe. We had bought the shoes a week earlier and I was not about to have to get new ones.

I sent all the kids but those in the stroller to the school while I turned around to look for the shoe. We tried every place on the way back through that I could think of with no shoe. I decided we better meet  with the kids at the school and started there when a gar ray bag broke. I started to tear up. Then sucked it up and walked as fast as I could to the school to get the kids.

They were amazing. They had eaten and were playing outside. I gathered them together and we headed for home. We made it back home just over three hours latter. I put Anna to bed and went back for Seth, who was asleep and found the shoe under him.










I said a prayer of thanks. How could I not when all the kids were safe and the shoe was found, rent was payed. 

Th

Change is hard

My Grandma has had the same T.V. since before I was born. It has the T.V. in a wood box that sits on the floor. The picture has become increasingly distorted. Over time the people's heads have gotten bigger as the body and legs get smaller. On adds that want you to call a number, you can't read it because it is so small. She thought that it was fine and would be with her until she was gone.

Derrick and I received a T.V. That was nicer than the one we had from some dear friends. So, we decided to give the old one to grandma for Christmas. We brought it in thinking we did a good job, and that she would love it.

She was set on keeping her old T.V. Saying that nothing was wrong with it. We didn't have a place to put the new one, so we put it in the back bedroom. Hoping that the next time we came she would see she needed it.

Four month past and we came to visit. Nothing had changed. If anything she was more determined to keep the old T.V. We still didn't have a place to put it, so we let it go. 

Anew weeks later I found the perfect stand to put it on, and it was free. What could be better. We came up to grandma's today and knew that if we were going to change the T.V.s around it would have to be when she wasn't here to complain about wanting the one that was broken. 

We happened to get home earlier than her from putting flours on graves in a near by graveyard. Derrick and I moved fast. The old T.V. was anything but light, so I had Derrick back the van to the door so that we wouldn't have to walk across the yard. We were able to get the new T.V. set up and ready to go.

My mom was in the car with my grandma when they got home and said that my grandma was afraid she was robbed because of the makes in the grass. My mom then told her that she thought that Derrick and I might have moved the T.V. witch was a good thing. 

The first thing that she said was that the people looked so much better. I couldn't believe it. She later said that the color was better and that you don't know how bad it is until you see the change.

I am realizing that I do the same thing. I hang on to so many things thinking that I need it because I am used to it and don't know anything better. I need to let go more. My Father in Heaven knows that I could see the picture better if I changed and was willing to move forward. I need to go to the forward in change, knowing that I will be able to see the picture better.

  

It has been a while

So, I have had a bit going on lately. 

I have been preparing for the upcoming Farmers Market with my husband. He is going to sell a game he created and chain mail bracelets, while I am going to sell homemade lotion, foot scrub, toothpaste, and solid perfume in lockets. I made them all and used essential oils in  them. I had to find out about FDA regulations and figure out labels. I also help Derrick with the marketing of his game and marketing of bags to put them in. There was a lot of research that went into this...and money. Here is hoping it all works out. I will keep you posted.

Seth has also been potty training. We have a clock that chimes every half hour so that is when we started to take him. He only tells us a tenth of the time when he has to go, but that is better then whet he was doing before. 

I have started thinking about my  ideas  towards my kids and how it needs to change. I have five of the most amazing kids ever to be born. They all play well with each other and for the most part do not fight. If I were to be honest the main time the fight is when I am already upset over something that has nothing to do with them.so I am going to stop yelling, aka, my favorite sin. You know, the one you want to hold on to to help you feel safe. I will stop. My kids do not need the memories of me heeling at them. I don't what that to be what is there. So I will quit.

 

I use yelling to protect myself...from a two year old...yep a child who is learning about the world around them. A child who learns from me that yelling and making others feel small is the right thing. I have suffered from depression and have used it as a crutch, saying that it is ok to yell because I am depressed. What am I thinking. It is never ok to make anyone feel small because you need to feel in control. Don't you think if I started ushering control I would start feeling it. 

I will let you know how it is going.

Oh, the diet has stopped. I am eating,working out , and taking care of me for me. I can only do my best and not get down when that isn't were I want it to be. I can only do what I can do and that is enough..

Keep trying

If is hard to feel like doing much when your head hurts. I have to remember constantly that my head hurts and that the kids don't know. That being short with them isn't going to help anything. I am not perfect. I want to be better and do better.

I suffer from depression and I am opting not to take prescription medication. I am resizing blessings, going to the temple, reading scriptures and listening to good uplifting music. I am eating better and exercising more. It all helps, but I have to work at it every day. I have to know that the second I start feeling down it can lead to weeks of depression. I have to stay happy, or at lest try to. I am doing better and know that one day I will be healed.

I did it

I went and did yoga for an hour yesterday. I didn't think standing still would be so hard. My body aches. But I feel like I am standing starter, so I guess it worked. I feel better for having done it.

I have been so tiered lately, I took a three hour nap two days last week and wish I could have a few more times. I am not sure why I am so sleepy, but hope it stops soon.

Give it to Him

In church today we were talking about fear, mainly with family. Will my kids stay true to what they are thought, or will they stray? After many others thoughts had been voiced I felt strongly that I needed to say this....

When we fear it leads to more fear. When we love it leads to more love. If we have fear we need to call upon our savior to lift our burden. We have to let Him take these things, it is part of the atonement and the only way to move forward. He loves us. He wants to help us to be all that we can, without fear. Fear is real. It is a scary world, but with love and faith we can overcome.