Keep trying

If is hard to feel like doing much when your head hurts. I have to remember constantly that my head hurts and that the kids don't know. That being short with them isn't going to help anything. I am not perfect. I want to be better and do better.

I suffer from depression and I am opting not to take prescription medication. I am resizing blessings, going to the temple, reading scriptures and listening to good uplifting music. I am eating better and exercising more. It all helps, but I have to work at it every day. I have to know that the second I start feeling down it can lead to weeks of depression. I have to stay happy, or at lest try to. I am doing better and know that one day I will be healed.

I did it

I went and did yoga for an hour yesterday. I didn't think standing still would be so hard. My body aches. But I feel like I am standing starter, so I guess it worked. I feel better for having done it.

I have been so tiered lately, I took a three hour nap two days last week and wish I could have a few more times. I am not sure why I am so sleepy, but hope it stops soon.

Give it to Him

In church today we were talking about fear, mainly with family. Will my kids stay true to what they are thought, or will they stray? After many others thoughts had been voiced I felt strongly that I needed to say this....

When we fear it leads to more fear. When we love it leads to more love. If we have fear we need to call upon our savior to lift our burden. We have to let Him take these things, it is part of the atonement and the only way to move forward. He loves us. He wants to help us to be all that we can, without fear. Fear is real. It is a scary world, but with love and faith we can overcome.

Birthday girl

Meghan is 6! She woke up this morning and thought that we would make her breakfast in bed( I never have SOS didn't think about it). So, when she woke up and we didn't have food for her she feel apart and said that your birthday is suppose to go the way you want it and be the best day. I was consoling her and Derrick run upstairs to help the boys get her some food on a tray. Nothing fancy, but in bed. It did the trick. All way well in the kingdom. I think the day went well. We took an outing as a family to the mall to get a few things that we needed and made a stop at Costco and had lunch there. We even let the kids pay.

The most important thing about birthdays is feeling like every thing is for you, even when it isn't. So on your birthday be forgiving of others that can't read your mind and try to stay happy!

Not this time

Sooo I have yet to work out. No, I didn't forget. I have been going a little mad with everyone being sick. I have started to do better with my sugar intake and it is helping. Tomorrow is Meghan's birthday, is is turning 6. She is so much like me that I have a hard time. We think so much a like and through the same kid of fits. Derrick often Says that he can see why I do some of the things I do. As I try to understand her better, I understand myself better.

Brake down

I had a complete brake down last night.i struggle after about 4 I don't keep calm, I lash out and yell at my sweet kids. I have been doing this for around three years and am more afraid it has become habit. Not one I want to keep. I need to do better, I need to be better. I do not want to be the yelling mom, I don't want that to be how my kids remember me. I will change. Starting today. No more yelling!

A day at a time

So, I received a blessing from Derrick last nigh and was told I would be healed. I am always amazed at my father in heavens love for me. I am feeling much better today.not well enough to want to work out, so I will start Monday. I have decided to take every thing a day at a time. I will make plans and try to do things, but I don't want to feel pressure to do all these things that don't really matter. I was given a blessing once where I was told to do the mundane things. The route thing that we think do not matter. I have found that those things end up mattering the most. So I will make the most of them.

The ways of a two year old

Today I have had a sinus infection, meaning the house was free rain. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, never able to keep up. My sweet Seth wants to help sooo much, but he isn't able. He desired he wanted to paint and spilt about three tablespoons of brown paint all over the rug on our floor. Luckily it is an old rug that we do not care about, and it missed the carpet. We're was I you ask, in the kitchen less than ten feet away. He was with Sean and Meghan, you would think they would notice sooner, but no. Later when getting ready for bed, Patrick came up to tell us there was a mess that he couldn't clean up downstairs....Seth sticks again. This time he dumped a bottle of hand soup on the floor outside my room, more than five feet from the bathroom, not sure way outside my door, but there none the less.
Here's hoping tom arrow I can keep up!

Making Me

I have been struggling for some time to define who I am.... I know I am a wife and a mother...I know I am a daughter of God... But at the end of the day when I have five minutes of peace, who am I. 
I think "oh, this is the time to get all of the things done that I haven't( to be honest they haven't been done because I plain don't what to do them, I think they will magically happen without my help) I find myself watching shows to "get away", but that is what I have been doing the whole time. I avoid doing things all day and then tell myself that I have earned "me time" . Who am I kidding, not myself, I sit and consume ice cream or chocolates because I have "earned them". I know that this makes me feel fat, lonely, and detached, yet I continue to do it.... Well I have had enough of me. I am not going to treat myself to death. 
So, on reflection I have decided to start working out, 3 days for one hour and 2 days for thirty minutes. Now, although I would love to lose weight I am not doing it for that. I am doing it for me, because I have more e energy and feel better when I do. I stop making excuses, and become the me I want to be. So when I sit down at night and want to take time for me, I know I have earned it by doing all I can though out the day to take care of me and my family by fulfilling my responsibilities 

I also will start lowering my sugar intake and limiting sweets.  I took a sugar fast after I had Anna. I did it for a month and found that I didn't have mood swings and I lost 10 lb. when I did it I said I could have honey, agave, cane juice, and cane sugar. I had cravings but found other things to supplement with. I am going to have sugar this time, but only if I put it in...nothing processed. I have a need to reground myself. To be nice to myself and love myself. So, here goes. I will tell you how it is going once a week or so.