The LORD is MY light!!!

I have had so many times when I feel that nothing around me is real. I fight myself just to breath. Depression is a part of everyday life. As I have wandered no knowing what I am doing Not knowing that I am ENOUGH. That I AM a daughter of GOD. He loves me. Yes I know this.

He has quited my soul and brought peace to my heart. The advisory is not happy with me. I am choosing the better part. I will say that it is not easy. Prayer, my constant companion, is what gives me strength.

Hansom looks at me crying...for what I don't know . Falling ever faster into a spot were he doesn't know me. With his gentle voice he calmly waits by my side. Ever watchful, waiting for the moment that he can tell me that I am worth it. I know somewhere far from this lack of understanding that he is right. I am of worth. I am GOOD. I am real. I am worth the worry and sadness, the joy and gladness. I am worth havening the things I want. I am worth being a friend, mother, wife, Lover.

I am worth the death of a brother. Jesus is his name . He did, many years ago. I have had to get know him be study and prayer. He is there. He looks on me as worried as hansom. Wondering if I will let his healing love in.

In the corner of the room laughing is my other brother. One I know all to well. The one that tells me I am never going to be good enough, that i am not ok or lovable. He sits knowing I am struggling, laughing at my feeble attempts to feel. Feel any thing.

But My elder brother doesn't know that when the light of the lord is in you, you are as powerful as he is. You have the power to command him to leave. You are in control. And I might add worth it.

God is real . I feel his love everyday. In the small moments of quit reflexion I can know he is there. That he wants me to be so much more than I see. That with him I am never alone. I am His. He made me . every detail of my body he made. What I think are flaws he sees as glory.

I can never see what there is in me that is different. I know that I am different. People look at me differently than they do at others. My light will shine. I will be one who stands out. I will be different. It is one of the things I do well. I don't have to think about doing things like every one else. I dress for me and as some might say very eclecticly. I have no rhyme nor reason to the pattern of my style. I want others to see that I am different. That I know something that they don't, the love of god.

Peom by ME

Rose On Water
Clear as crystal
Smooth as glass,
Reflecting all
That happen to pass.
The pond is small
And fills the land,
A rose falls
From his hand.
It was a hope
Of love for her,
Rose on water
Like a mirror.
The one for which
his head wont clear,
The only one
He wants near.
The rose send ripples
As it falls,
Silently her name
He calls.
With out her
Life seams bleak,
Rose on water
Starts to sink.

Tooth for $15.00

PaPa has been battling his tooth for weeks. After a few bites of a sandwich , it was time to give it a yank. PaPa has decided that he will get $15 from the tooth fairy...that is dreaming even if your rich.

Doldrums

I find myself drifting, with no way to change course.

I have the tools to change.

I have the knowledge to do things differently.

Yet here i am...unmoving.

I sit and think of all I can do, some times I even do it. I made a sling bag and shawl on friday and went around on Saturday looking for something to do.

I have my house in order. I take time for me. My kids have time to do tings with Hansom, and me.

Yet I am left unsatisfied. I feel there is more for me to do, so I go and go. I clean up after every mess spend less that 10 min. cleaning a day, because that is all it takes.

Maybe things will change soon. Hansom is starting work tomorrow. He hasn't worked for over 6 months. He did his student teaching then has been home all day every day for the last 2 and 1/2 months. We had time to do many things that we wouldn't otherwise had the time to do, but now that things are in order and I can keep them there I need space. I don't know how to get it.

I took Hansoms Grandma shopping on Saturday I was gone for 2 1/2 hours and when I came back I felt like I had been gone all day and things feel apart and I took to long and Hansom had other things he needed to do.

I think that I am always getting in the way of myself. I think that my second thought is better than my first and run into trouble second guessing myself all the time.

Yet another thing to overcome...