It has been a while

So, I have had a bit going on lately. 

I have been preparing for the upcoming Farmers Market with my husband. He is going to sell a game he created and chain mail bracelets, while I am going to sell homemade lotion, foot scrub, toothpaste, and solid perfume in lockets. I made them all and used essential oils in  them. I had to find out about FDA regulations and figure out labels. I also help Derrick with the marketing of his game and marketing of bags to put them in. There was a lot of research that went into this...and money. Here is hoping it all works out. I will keep you posted.

Seth has also been potty training. We have a clock that chimes every half hour so that is when we started to take him. He only tells us a tenth of the time when he has to go, but that is better then whet he was doing before. 

I have started thinking about my  ideas  towards my kids and how it needs to change. I have five of the most amazing kids ever to be born. They all play well with each other and for the most part do not fight. If I were to be honest the main time the fight is when I am already upset over something that has nothing to do with them.so I am going to stop yelling, aka, my favorite sin. You know, the one you want to hold on to to help you feel safe. I will stop. My kids do not need the memories of me heeling at them. I don't what that to be what is there. So I will quit.

 

I use yelling to protect myself...from a two year old...yep a child who is learning about the world around them. A child who learns from me that yelling and making others feel small is the right thing. I have suffered from depression and have used it as a crutch, saying that it is ok to yell because I am depressed. What am I thinking. It is never ok to make anyone feel small because you need to feel in control. Don't you think if I started ushering control I would start feeling it. 

I will let you know how it is going.

Oh, the diet has stopped. I am eating,working out , and taking care of me for me. I can only do my best and not get down when that isn't were I want it to be. I can only do what I can do and that is enough..

Keep trying

If is hard to feel like doing much when your head hurts. I have to remember constantly that my head hurts and that the kids don't know. That being short with them isn't going to help anything. I am not perfect. I want to be better and do better.

I suffer from depression and I am opting not to take prescription medication. I am resizing blessings, going to the temple, reading scriptures and listening to good uplifting music. I am eating better and exercising more. It all helps, but I have to work at it every day. I have to know that the second I start feeling down it can lead to weeks of depression. I have to stay happy, or at lest try to. I am doing better and know that one day I will be healed.

I did it

I went and did yoga for an hour yesterday. I didn't think standing still would be so hard. My body aches. But I feel like I am standing starter, so I guess it worked. I feel better for having done it.

I have been so tiered lately, I took a three hour nap two days last week and wish I could have a few more times. I am not sure why I am so sleepy, but hope it stops soon.

Give it to Him

In church today we were talking about fear, mainly with family. Will my kids stay true to what they are thought, or will they stray? After many others thoughts had been voiced I felt strongly that I needed to say this....

When we fear it leads to more fear. When we love it leads to more love. If we have fear we need to call upon our savior to lift our burden. We have to let Him take these things, it is part of the atonement and the only way to move forward. He loves us. He wants to help us to be all that we can, without fear. Fear is real. It is a scary world, but with love and faith we can overcome.

Birthday girl

Meghan is 6! She woke up this morning and thought that we would make her breakfast in bed( I never have SOS didn't think about it). So, when she woke up and we didn't have food for her she feel apart and said that your birthday is suppose to go the way you want it and be the best day. I was consoling her and Derrick run upstairs to help the boys get her some food on a tray. Nothing fancy, but in bed. It did the trick. All way well in the kingdom. I think the day went well. We took an outing as a family to the mall to get a few things that we needed and made a stop at Costco and had lunch there. We even let the kids pay.

The most important thing about birthdays is feeling like every thing is for you, even when it isn't. So on your birthday be forgiving of others that can't read your mind and try to stay happy!

Not this time

Sooo I have yet to work out. No, I didn't forget. I have been going a little mad with everyone being sick. I have started to do better with my sugar intake and it is helping. Tomorrow is Meghan's birthday, is is turning 6. She is so much like me that I have a hard time. We think so much a like and through the same kid of fits. Derrick often Says that he can see why I do some of the things I do. As I try to understand her better, I understand myself better.

Brake down

I had a complete brake down last night.i struggle after about 4 I don't keep calm, I lash out and yell at my sweet kids. I have been doing this for around three years and am more afraid it has become habit. Not one I want to keep. I need to do better, I need to be better. I do not want to be the yelling mom, I don't want that to be how my kids remember me. I will change. Starting today. No more yelling!